drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
