I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
