I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
