Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
