Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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