no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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