he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
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