it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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