you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
