Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am one with the molecules
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
