I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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