Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
