Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
