I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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