This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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