Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
