Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
