does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
