I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
