A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
