im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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