The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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