I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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