It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
