if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love you. Go after that dick
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
