im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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