My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
