Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
