I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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