the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
