If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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