i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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