im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
