Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
