Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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