Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
