So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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