hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
