Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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