After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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