Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
