U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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