I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
