Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
