I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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