I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
