He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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