is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
