So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
