Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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