Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
